Bedtime Anxiety

It has been awhile since I had bedtime anxiety. The experience of when your eyes and bodily functions are ready to embark on your eight hour snooze fest but something, some worry, has you pacing around in your brain like your trying to work in a new pair of shoes. the tossing and turning of exhaustion with no release of sleep in sight. Wondering if flipping the light on for a while, getting out of bed and doing some squats, standing in front of an open refrigerator will cure the restlessness. If you are conscientious of your consciousness then more likely than not this has happened to you.

On this one night, for me, it began by worrying about being late to the first day at my new job. I was changing professions causing me to let the insecurities through the floodgate. I hadn't felt this uneasy since I started my last temp position with Chemonics years before. I thought Chemonics was going to be my big break into government so I wanted to make a banger of an impression. Joining one of the top contractors that assists USAID with the distribution of goods around the globe I was just an arms throw away from a branch of the State Department! I built such a preciousness around the experience. Turned out less impressive than I made it out to be, of course. Yet, here I was again after another pivot to my career path. Signed up with another temporary placement firm. This time I was rotating from the hospitality sector to a fully in person office position. Meaning it starts earlier in the morning, I need to present more professionally, and there are true lines of accountability.

This was another new venture into the semi-professional sector. Nothing like government adjacent but professional none the less. My habit of a proper morning health routine of meditation, breakfast and journaling were on the back burner in my mind because I was projecting that I would no longer have time calculating in the commute. All the anxiety about not maintaining my happiness crept in through the cracks of confidence. This is was a portion of what was giving me bedtime anxiety. That I would have to sacrifice what was becoming so important to my well-being just so I could collect a paycheck.

Then there were all the little bed bug thoughts itching at my brain. Is my outfit going to be alright, what about my hair, are they gonna care about my bike, what is the best route there, are they going to be nice, are they going to be bullies? What kind of mistakes are bad and what are forgotten? What if something happens on the way to work, I have to try and leave 30 minutes earlier. Scratching, scratching, burning, and itching these thoughts are causing me to toss and turn. Exhausted unable to keep my eyes open I equally cant get my brain to shut down. I am not sure how many hours of sleep I actually got that night but I know it wasn't enough and I was still worried as I rode to work.

Three Weeks into the Placement. . . .

I am excited to leave the placement behind. I was thankful for the experience. I took note of many things. Mainly a return to the reflection of the bedtime anxiety that kept me gripping my pillow wishing for sleep the night before I started, and I have come up with some relevant guidance. I am not sure the best way to convey this message but the simplest manner is to just state it as fact. Never let the intimidating unknowns that a new job represent's get in the way of your understood confidence.

My position may just be with a temp agency and there will be many placements in my future that represent something new and unknown but there is always one constant and that is the self. I can control for me, as you can for you. You know that you are a capable and reliable employee, which means the so called unknowns don't matter. Remember the factual truth that any company will be benefiting from your skills and qualities. I know, I know, easier said now but it really comes down to intimidation. The company may intimidate you, the people you have never met may intimidate you, the newness may intimidate you, but we are all too smart to be intimidated by these small inconsequential data points. Let that all go and live in the reality that the unknowns are not meant to intimidate you but interest you.

My advice here about understanding and accepting your own value may not apply for every situation. But more or less it all boils down to letting a situation for which you are imagining all the unknowns create an environment of intimidation. This is where you need to resolve yourself to understanding one major truth. Your value is determined by you, and it is always worth more than the value a company or external situation are going to give you. If it is a date you know you are a catch and that you are open to the opportunity of romance. If it is a job you already got hired so stop worrying about making a mistake and go in there and show em what you got.

You can lead your life to success. Even as a parent afraid of a teenage tantrum know that you are not a teenager and you have the control and power in the situation. Always retain the narrative and set the boundaries. You will never stop worrying but if you are continually seeking to be a better parent the bedtime anxiety shouldn't put doubt in your head. Never give up on proving your worth. The itchy scratchy bed bugs of anxiety should never let you doubt yourself. Doubt is faced head on and with emotional intelligence. Bedtime anxiety happens when you let lesser thoughts intimidate you. Keep proving you are worth it and your restless nights should improve.