Blended Family

Here is a subject none of us can escape; family. There isn't a better example of a situation that has you striving to maintain a sense of calm and understanding. I have long struggled with my relationship with my mother. But the truth and honesty in our talks as I've gotten older have moved our relationship to a better, healthier place. My dad and I have always managed to enjoy a sense of ease in our relationship. His wife is a whole stereotypical step-mother situation.

Families are more than just the ones under your roof. The webs of connection can spread far and wide. They start small and then expand whole ecosystems. My favorite memories with my close family are attached to our adventure summers' camping in Yosemite. Hiking, rafting, biking; navigating the wondrous outdoors. As a kid I was distracted by all the fun Yosemite had to offer. I never thought how stressful it could have been for my parents. Aunts and uncles bickering, packing, cooking and cleaning. Whereas all we kids experienced were the card games, life in the Merced and Yosemite Village.

Families now-a-days are also a lot more than just the tentacles of your 1st cousin, aunts, or uncles. Blended families now account for 40% of the familial structure in the U.S. And that is me, part of a blended family. All this brings me around to why this subject popped into my head. Group events of families direct and indirect. They creep and crawl out, gathering more and more of the residual bloodline. And this particular family group was set for their family reunion, to which I was an invitee.

As a bit of a loner and world traveler for so long I was able to avoid the stress of extended family drama due to lack of proximity. Now being back home I am subject to a variety of family events. All the holidays I was able to enjoy with friends I was no longer able to avoid. This weekend my dad was in town with his wife to attend the biggest of events. Part of my role as a newly anointed local child is to make an appearance. And as much as I enjoy hanging with my Dad, his wife's family; not so much.

I am looking forward to fulfilling an aspect of my duty as a grateful and abiding child but I am honestly dreading the emotional attacks that are part of the ritual. They represent a class of people who think criticisms are part of small talk and interrupting to shush someone is a right earned by age, not wisdom. Then there is animosity between the factions within the family. Lines are drawn and rivals established dating back to their teenage years. I have no interest in taking up the mantel in the name of my family's branch.

I have tried to grow and become a better person than them with the coming of each gathering. But I am no longer sure this has become the correct approach. My kindness and quiet disobedience only allows them to continue to act hostile toward me. Instead of sharing my truth they continue in their behavior and I spend unnecessary power mentally and emotionally recuperating from the experience. Dreading the next encounter, I don't know how to overcome the conundrum that is my dad's wife's family. So I continue to adapt and be decipherable about who I connect with.

They are overly needy and exceptionally judgmental. It was easy when they were far from my everyday life, and I should stipulate that they are all not bad. I have always overcome difficult situations by addressing the truth in the case, which is what I attempt to in these instances. My interpretation of these events, as I am sure yours, are wholly subjective. I see them as entitled self-righteous-know-nothings with main character syndrome. They see me as an elite know-it-all with a bad attitude. From my perspective I only reinforce my defences when the attacks start but I approach every situation open-minded.

The night before we were to attend I was alerted that I needed to where a specific color to represent our family branch. Cool, no problem it is a small act to show respect. Participate in a move to avoid the passive aggressive barge of low-vibrational quips from the insecure about what I am wearing. I showed up late so I could avoid the majority of the Cornhole competition, but I came in the correct colors. Striving to show support without sacrificing your dignity becomes all about the truth in compromising.

Finding the positives out of hard situations has helped me moderate the negative energy. My second cousins being there was definitely a bonus that kept me from having to network among too much of the crowd. I tread lightly with clustering of clicks since I too do not want to be found guilty of exacerbating family rivals I don't even care about. I do make the effort to meet a couple new voices at each one of the events. Utilizing my previous contacts to meet new ones, Mind you there are about 60-70 people there and crowds overwhelm me when live music isn't center stage.

The weekend passes and the events were coming to a close. Surprisingly, I wasn't as exhausted as I premonitioned at the end of it all. The reunion wasn't overtly overwhelming. I was able to mingle amongst those I already knew while adding two new people to the Roledex. None of these new contacts from the female side of the family. The hispanic female side of the family are the majority of the problem at these gatherings. The way they talk to each other. I don't understand how they interpret being degrading as a show of love. It's toxic and counter productive. Everything that I am looking to overcome.

It was surprising, my dad's wife, her aunts and cousins were all easier to brush off than normal. I guess I am getting the hang of their dynamic. They are intimidated by me because I have no patience for their childish competitions, maybe they are getting used to me as well. At the end of it all I came out relatively unscathed; not that I am signing up for it again anytime soon. The distraction was a mixture of feeding my belly with helpings of buffet food and hanging out in the safety of my second cousins. Banded together as a united front of indifference.

Having avoided the wedding anniversary due to work all I had left was the BBQ with my immediate family of those who couldn't attend the reunion. Earlier in the week my father and I had spent an afternoon making our delicious family BBQ sauce and now it was time for a nice evening in the summer dusk to share in a type of food and storytelling. The parents exhausted from work, the kids exhausted from summer sleeping in, the guest exhausted from walking on egg shells at their hosts home and the host exhausted from having her sister in town. Then there was me, always exhausted from life. Truthfully, it was lovely!

One by one the members of the family boarded their planes and headed back home leaving the locals to their local lives. The family group chat booming with event photos and off-handed comments. The week of whirlwind family events was coming to an end for the summer season, and I have to admit I was not as angry as I thought I was going to be. The dread about the reunion had become was offset by my limited exposure and the evening at my aunts was overshadowed by the joy of having my dad in the mix. I was making the moves to yield more out of these circumstances.

I can't be the only one that dreads these family events. Being part of a blended family can often mean you don't know where you stand in the family dynamic. Are we consigned to languish on the outskirts of acceptance? Are we looking for acceptance or do we want to inhibit integration? How can we maintain our boundaries without turning into the condescending nag of the situation? Some people drink to get through, some people make jokes. I tend to hide by the food. What do you do to cope with hard family situations? When you can answer some of these questions truthfully you come closer to overcoming the fears and yield the positives.