Boredom

The root of the word boredom, bore- comes from the 12th century meaning hole or perforation and the suffix of -dom added in the 17th century as an honorific in connection with an area. The first known usage of boredom in the common vernacular was recorded in 1853 coming to mean "the state of being weary or restless through lack of interest"(Merriam-Webster, 2025). For all the ways our species has evolved, the mind seems to relive the habit of settling into one recurring space. The space saturated with negative mind sets, when all the hustle and bustle of life lulls us into an uncomfortable silence. The abyss associated with a state of being.

I have convinced myself into thinking I have moved beyond the belief in boredom. I no longer find myself looking for things to fill my time with due to a feeling of quote-unquote; boredom. Don't get me wrong as a single woman without the chaos of kids I am lucky enough to have plenty of alone time. Alone time does not have me seeking ways to fill the gaps, it is my heavenly respite from otherwise overcrowding energies that fill the daily life. I don't ever label my alone time under the designation of a state of boredom. However, there is a state of mind I have been victim to of late that feels like a cousin to a state of weariness due to a lack of interest.

The road to consolidation with personal space is something you learn once separated from the family structure. I don't know the exact age or year I stopped correlating my alone time with being bored. I absolutely remember complaining about the concept in my adolescence years. I also remember making a comment in college to an acquaintance about his living alone situation in regards to what they do with all their alone time. Now I dread the idea of sharing space with another person. The mind set of overactivity has long sheltered itself in the cellar of my childhood behaviors. As I have evolved I have come to accept that the concept defined as 'boredom' is a state of mind not activity associated. As long as I don't accept moments as a state of boredom then it does not materialize.

You may wonder why I bring this up in reflection. If I, as I claim, believe boredom to be a state of mind and I have overcome the lower vibrational acts of 'lack of interest'; why is it on my mind? If I am honest with myself and you, which I feel I am, it boils down to the newly constant performativity of fear. Not fear of being alone in my moments of no apparent directive focusing my attention. Those are moments I have come to enjoy. These moments have come to represent many of my bursts of creativity. No, my fear is coming from my environment, specifically from a lack of economic security. The despair that each day brings without participating in an economically fruitful landscape and the angst that comes from not having money.

My experiences have molded how I navigate and interpret that data that makes up a life story. As such my experiences include a hardship with the United States. Even though it is my native country I decided to leave home in my late 20s to live in Europe. Just like now the financial disparity I was experiencing in the early aughts was anxiety provoking. Working three jobs, feeling the ceiling close in on you every night. No health insurance, applying for job after job with no responses. The food was out to poison you, life was out to sell me something and romance was a game.

Leaving was one of the best things I did to create a better more stable future for myself. I achieved things in Europe to better my circumstance and state of mind. I left the US because it was so toxic both socially and there was no path to economic security for someone like me. In contrast as an immigrant in a foreign country I was able to tackle many life goals. I had a successful career where I led a small team at one of the worlds top 500 fortune institutions. Emotionally, I found my confidence and courage. Intellectually, I eventually acquired a masters degree for a quarter of the cost. I found the joy in adventure and silence. I was introduced to non-toxic friendships and sexual relations. It was enlightening and encouraging. The days may not have always had sunshine but there was always some way to advance and experience the joys of life.

Now a decade plus later I am back in the US. I am coming up on almost three years as I write this. It is disappointing and sad to say that being back and the time that has passed has not created positive circumstance for a landscape that provides economic growth, social cohesion, or healthy state of mind. In fact I see the whole culture around the job and social structures loosing the foundations based on innovation and worker relations. When I left I was trying to find a job with a good degree from a top educational institution but I was having zero prospects outside the hospitality sector. Which is fine to get you through school but it is not what I invested in a degree to do. Now that I have even more experience and a better degree the horizon looks dimmer.

I went and learned a language, got a graduates degree, and excelled in a professional position where I was consistently rewarded. With a resume focused on soft and technical skills I should have no issues garnering a position even if it has to be entry level. I have achieved another life goal with the publication of my book. But here I am in my third year jumping from temp position to temp position eating away at the savings I collected while working and living abroad. All my mental quiet time is seeped in the fear that led me to leave the US in the first place. Do I have enough money to eat? Will I go bankrupt if I have to go to the hospital? Will I become homeless? If you worry about these issues too, you are not alone. But just because you are not alone in your fears, doesn't make it ok. Constituents of such a rich country should not have to worry about these basic structures of society.

So these moments in between placements, where I am earning zero income but continue to have set costs, feel wasted. Participation in an endless cycle of applying for jobs I am over qualified for at pay rates I now have to accept as normal. Worry, doubt and fear. That is where the silence leads me. I am not bored I am worried about becoming a statistic. Unemployed. Bankrupt. Homeless. When all the opportunity is pulled out from under your feet what else do we become besides a negative variable. We are no longer a part of the social structure but a part of the narrative. I worry about affording food and spending my savings on housing instead of retirement. About my cancer spreading to create a larger cost to my life because I can't get the preventative care to keep it cost effective.

This is where I sit, awake and swimming in the abyss of my fears. That feeling of not being productive to the benefit of financial reciprosity. The feeling that comes from lack of opportunity. These fear are not to be normalized. We may not be alone but we shouldn't accept our circumstances as normal. The lulls of quiet for lack of a more encompassing word resets me to the age of boredom. Making me feel even worse than all the separate instance of fear on their own. Giving up is not in my nature, but society has to create a space that gives me a chance. I can only do so much to make a better life for myself if all the higher institutions of government and commodification are bleeding us dry.