Releasing the Toxins

Finding the strength to know what self-sabotaging behaviors to release?

Letting go of something, someone, some belief or some habit is a repeating cycle throughout a human's lifetime for those intent on personal growth and maturity. It is a moment that often follows a pain or disappointment. It is a situation that motivates the self to set higher standards, expect more, or reevaluate one's worth. We let go of relationships, jobs, cities, eating habits, hair colors, goals and lifestyles. Some of these changes come after an acknowledgement of acceptance others are forced with no warning leaving a gorge of worry in its wake.

Adapting and self-reflection are supposed to be healthy ways to progress through these foundational shifts. But how do we know we're doing it right or taking the steps meant for our highest good? How do we prevent ourselves from falling prey to the insecurities of our doubt? We understand we can be better, that we deserve more but then that serpent sound of society constantly belittling those who understand their worth creep in and obscures that path that needs to be taken. Self-sabotaging our worth. Or there is the stubborn entitled vanity that whispers at you every time you try to put down your addiction telling you, it's not really an addiction.

I mean, obviously, if mental and emotional altering substances aren't being used to cope with the transformation then you are taking the correct steps. But the journey isn't as easy as just saying no to purchasing one more thing you don't need via Amazon. It is looking at why you feel you need to fill your closet with things easily purchased on Amazon. The thoughts I intend to invoke with the question of how we know what our toxic behaviors are is looking to honestly identify what we want and what is holding us back from our full potential. How do we separate our expectations from what's possible for who we are, where we are and our allocated resources?

I tell you that I feel as though I have been drifting in a void without direction for what seems far too long. Following my goals and intuition toward what I envision to be my abundance. Reflecting on who I am, what stage in life I am at, where I want to be holistically. My assessment is that I have all the resources needed to cross that finish line. So why haven't I gotten there? What am I not seeing that I need to leave behind? I have overcome all the cycles of hardship and obstacles to come to a place where I was happy. Now I stand on the precipice of the last real big life-changing stage before retirement and I stare into the mist.

I have all the lessons a spiritual warrior needs. I leave all negative relationships in the past platonic or romantic. I create a charisma to whatever style I am testing out regarding self-confidence and individuality. I am even in the process of letting go of my identity as an intellectual after years of scholarly work to achieve a master's degree. I take risks, learn languages, achieve goals and have yet to regret a change in career. At this point maybe I have let go of too much cause I don't know what else the hell I have to let go of to achieve my abundance. If it's true that I just keep leaving scattered ashes of half completions in my wake then I just keep blowing up the same facade I spent years building just so I can crash it down and call it progress.

I feel I am following the right path. Asking the right questions. Reflecting on my self-worth, potential and value. Yet here I sit on a freezing sunny afternoon staring at a wall knowing I shouldn't still be picking up the crumbs the universe has left for me. I should be traveling on the stars. My recent interpretations from the universe have led me to believe that my abundance won't come from seeking a career in the subject of my master's, that working for others is not my path. If that is a truth then the path must be created by me. But I don't know what else to let go of to create the right path.

Do you have trouble letting go? Are you where you want to be or are you just settling for where you are? Do you know what you need to let go of but don't know if you have the strength to follow through? I am right there with you. Reflect on these thoughts in your next journalling session. See where it leads you. Maybe you can help me.